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Hellraiser: Bloodline (1996)
Hellraiser: Bloodline is a better film than Part 3. I'm aware that's not the cool thing to say, but it's true. This doesn't mean Bloodline is a marvel of awesome cinema; it just isn't the...
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Hellraiser: Inferno (2000)
As I sat watching 8MM 3, I thought to myself, "Man, they made this movie too early. Given how badly Nic Cage needs money, he would have signed right up for this." A tortured cop goes the Bad...
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Hellraiser: Hellseeker (2002)
Well, figs...My optimism was merely a fool's errand. After Hellraiser: Inferno, I hoped that the next installment would rise above the generic hoo-hah. I mean, Ashley Laurence is back as Kirsty...
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Hellraiser: Deader (2005)
Hark! What is this? A good Hellraiser sequel? Get the fuck outta' town! It actually has a story, compelling characters, genuine surprises, intriguing ideas, and, best of all, Kari Wuhrer's breasts!...
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Hellraiser: Hellworld (2005)
"How's that for a wake up call?" And, with those seven words, Doug Bradley ends his tenure as Pinhead. Pity he had to go out on such a flat-footed, waterbrained, lazy, uninspired note. It took...
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Hellraiser: Revelations (2011)
Late in Peter Biskind's Down and Dirty Pictures, Guillermo del Toro shows up. He's been hired to make his first American film for Dimension Films, a picture that would turn out to be Mimic. The...
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You're Killing Me, Smalls: Hooking Up (2009)
It's been a stressful couple of weeks for me. I had school finals to deal with, my asshole allergies are raging, thus giving me a perpetual headache, and my car needs to go into the shop for a...
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Farmer's Daughters (1976)
Spalding Gray was a great monologist. If you haven't read or watched Swimming to Cambodia, Monster in a Box, or Gray's Anatomy, I highly, highly recommend you check them out. He was an infinitely...
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Bad Kids Go to Hell (2012)
Bad Kids Go to Hell is one of those movies that's difficult to review. It's better than expected, but also lacking the necessary verve needed to make it noteworthy. All the pieces are there for a...
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Body Melt (1993)
More like Body Bore, amirite? Yeah, it's a shit pun, but what do you expect? I'm not using good material on a dopey movie. Humor is subjective, sure, yet there are some movies out there that really...
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Arena (1989)
Sometimes I miss being a kid. It isn't that I dislike being an adult; I enjoy my freedom and independence, but as a kid, I assumed I would be a stodgy, musty old fart by now. That feeling hasn't...
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Jim Henson's Reagan Babies: Caravan of Courage: An Ewok Adventure (1984)
Unlike a majority of Star Wars fans, I've never held any kind of hatred toward the Ewoks. It might be that I was first introduced to them at the right age. I was a year and half old when my parents...
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Trackdown (1976)
You know what I'm sick of? People who claim that living in a small town or rural community makes them better than those who live in a city. All the crazy, kooky degenerates supposedly flock to New...
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A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master (1988)
Freddy goes Pop Art. That's the best way I can describe A Nightmare on Elm Street 4, and the main reason why I love it so much. Critic David DeMoss (a personal favorite of mine who runs And You...
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The Legend of the Lone Ranger (1981)
For the life of me I can't remember ever watching this movie all the way through as a kid. The mom and pop video store we rented from didn't carry it. It never showed up on TV. If any of my boyhood...
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Night of the Scarecrow (1995)
Jeff Burr doesn't get enough credit. As the director of Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III, The Stepfather 2, Puppet Master 4 & 5, Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings, The Offspring, and Night...
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Dark Horse (2011)
We've all seen these goobers: the fat man-baby who wields an unearned confidence and exists in a perpetual victim state. This might be some dead horse beating on my part, but the first person that...
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The Magic Garden of Stanley Sweetheart (1970)
Oh, wow, man, kicks just keep getting harder to find. I'm so sick of doubt. I spend my days looking for that moment of freedom when the mind is opened and the infinite universe is revealed. But all...
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We Hate Movies
I run this blog as a hobby and operate it with zero illusions that I’m Roger Ebert or Andrew Sarris. Movies have been a long time love of mine, and I write my own shit in the hopes that maybe...
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Corvette Summer (1978)
Corvette Summer is nowhere near as bad as its reputation would have you believe. It's a modest film that would have been simple drive-in fare were it not for star Mark Hamill. Coming off a moody,...
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