In retrospect, 2013 was a mundane year at the movies. It wasn't particularly awful (like, say 2005 was), nor was it really that memorable. It sat there, churning out movies that will find themselves in Wal-Mart discount bins by Easter. Even the potential Oscar pictures have failed to inspire much excitement. (To be fair, I haven't seen Inside Llewyn Davis, Her, Nebraska, among others. These won't open in Ohio until January. That's the price you pay for being stuck in the Midwest.) Looking through various top ten lists, one can see that there is no consistency. TIME differs from Slant, who differs from The Dissolve, and so on. My favorites were mostly small releases that I had to track down through iTunes.
All that being said, 2013 still managed to serve up some horseshit. The movies on this list found themselves here because they were doomed from the get-go. Why was it considered a grand idea to cinematically fellate Charlie Sheen for nearly two hours? Can no one convince Tom Cruise that he's too old to be playing Ryan Reynolds' parts? Is Paul Schrader so desperate for work that he thought teaming with Lindsay Lohan would bolster his career?
The films are both big and small. In this age of streaming, all movies are equal, at least in terms of critical drubbing. With it being so difficult to get a film off the ground, there is no reason someone should regurgitate twee indie clichés that were stale a decade ago. They also shouldn't make movies about killer bass fish.
10. The Conjuring (Dir. James Wan)
What a tedious parade of clichés. I get twelve year olds being scared and surprised. They're children. They haven't seen much. But how can adults, specifically horror fans who have been around the block several dozen times, find this good? Boggles the mind. It would be a decent film if it existed in a world absent of The Amityville Horror, The Exorcist, Poltergeist, The Birds, The Innocents, The Shining, The Changeling, and fifty-plus years of similar ghost/demonic possession movies. Cold rooms where the ghosts hang out? Check. Kids that can only see the spirits and befriend them? Check. Animals that sense evil? Check. Someone tied up for an exorcism? Check. Creepy doll? Check. Spooky toys? Check. The same stupid parlor tricks that every goddamn ghost movie employs? Check. Characters that speak purely in exposition dumps? Check. Catholicism battling the evil? Check. Worse, this stuff isn't even rehashed very well. James Wan continues to live up to his last name. I was simply stunned at how lame and cornball the whole thing was. And "Based on a True Story"? Blow me.
9. Oblivion (Dir. Joseph Kosinski)
Like The Conjuring, Oblivion was a junkyard cube movie -- all the pieces of better known films lumped into one hunk of garbage. Unlike The Conjuring, most people stayed away from Oblivion. Give the sci-fi crowd credit: they don't eagerly lap up whatever bullshit is heaved their way. I wish the same could be said of the horror crowd. Review here.
8. Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (Dir. Tommy Wirkola)
No, this isn't fun, and the next person who tells me I'm being too hard on Hansel & Gretel is getting a Spiderman. There is not one iota of creativity, joy, imagination, or excitement to be had. It's akin to someone standing in front of a group of people and waving a sheet of mylar -- yeah, it looks like something is happening, but it's really just a piece of mylar. From the director of Dead Snow, another worthless film, that one about Nazi zombies.
7. The Canyons (Dir. Paul Schrader)
PaulSchrader knows better. You know how this movie could havebeen as edgy as its press wanted you to believe? If the audience actually saw James Deen part Lindsay Lohan's slit with his tree trunk and dump some baby batter on her freckled tits. That's edgy, at least by Hollywood's standards. But Less Than Zero Version 5.0? Not even close. Review here.
6. The Purge (Dir. James DeMonaco)
In Don't Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood, characters occasionally stop the action to sermonize about the valuable lessons they are learning from life in the 'hood. During these moments, Keenen Ivory Wayans pops up and screams "Message!" in case we didn't get the sermon's point. The Purge is the movie version of the Ivory Wayans character. Instead of letting the story develop naturally (and assume the audience isn't brain dead), the film is constantly beating you in the face. It. Is. Making. A. Sociological. Point! Too bad the damn thing looks like hell, making the running, fighting, and killing difficult to decipher. When it isn't underlit and edited into a jumble, it forces poor Ethan Hawke and Lena Heady to spout out dumb platitudes and news magazine talking points, because...sociology, or some such shit. And if you didn't pick up what the movie was putting down the first go-round, fear not -- there is a Purge 2 coming next summer. Message!
5. The Lifeguard (Dir. Liz W. Garcia)
Smug jerk gets rewarded for being a smug jerk. Entitlement cinema at its worst. Review here.
4. Beneath (Dir. Larry Fessenden)
I saw a lot of dumb damn films this year, but none were as woefully incompetent as Beneath. A giant bass fish traps a bunch of recent high school grads on a row boat and hilarity ensues. Lousy actors spew lousy dialogue, the lake changes size, shots don't match from one second to the next, and what should be a simple monster movie transforms into a turgid morality play. This sucker is flat-out funny. If Glass Eye Pix and Chiller Films were smart, they would have played up the bumblefuck aspects in their advertising and sold it as a comedy. Beneath is Jaws: The Revenge, with a $1.50 budget. Review here.
3. Star Trek Into Darkness (Dir. J.J. Abrams)
I'm only a casual Star Trek fan. I have watched various seasons of the various TV iterations. I have seen all the movies and own parts 2-4 (yes, I even enjoy The Search for Spock). I'm not a Trekkie or Trekker or whatever they want to call themselves. What I am is a fan of movies that don't waste my time. Star Trek Into Darkness has one big fault...well, two faults, if we want to admit the title is ridiculously terrible. The major fault is the film plays out like a blockbuster from the 90s. Remember Batman Forever, a film that made a ton of money, but no one talks about fondly all these years later? That's because it and other 90s blockbusters were designed with little care given to script, continuity, or longevity. Nobody at Warner Bros. gave a tinker's damn about Batman in 1995, and no one at Paramount cares about Star Trek now. Sure, the picture made a boatload of money. Do you know anyone who has actually enjoyed it, though? Into Darkness is a film trapped between the world of commerce and the world of nostalgia, and neither satisfy. Paramount wanted Into Darkness to be big and flashy and filled with noise and chaos. The filmmakers wanted to remake The Wrath of Khan, because it's a great movie and it's easier to coast on fumes -- trying different things blows. But Paramount didn't want it to be a nerd circle jerk, so the story was made into a bland mush that could appeal to non-nerds. What we end up with is a big, fat zero. There's no reason for Benedict Cumberbatch to be Khan. There are literally hundreds of Star Trek villains to choose from, and if you aren't going to do anything interesting with Khan, there's no point in digging him up. What, Gary Mitchell or the Tellarites aren't good enough for your multi-million dollar movie? Equally worthless is recreating Wrath of Khan's heroic sacrifice, especially if you're just flipping the roles and resurrecting the dead guy ten minutes later. Better reviewers than me have gone through the laundry list of problems Into Darkness suffers from. My main qualm is that it is a generic action picture in Star Trek clothing, just as Batman Forever was a generic action movie in a bat costume. It's a waste of time and money. At least The Final Frontier put in some effort.
2. Only God Forgives (Dir. Nicolas Winding Refn)
An immense letdown that looks worse on a second viewing. Nicolas Winding Refn is a great talent. Every movie he has made up to this point has been dynamic, exciting, beautiful, and throbbing with an energy most films can't match. With Only God Forgives, he tried to strip the picture down to the bare minimum -- minimal dialogue, minimal action, minimal vigor. He also stripped away any reason for the movie to be an hour and a half long. This is a Duran Duran video stretched out to an unbearable length and sapped of any kind of propulsive kick. The mad genius of the Pusher trilogy and Valhalla Rising popped a couple Ambien, dosed his actors, and let the cameras film any and every motherfucking thing that happened. Terrible in a way that only skilled people could pull off. Review here.
1. A Glimpse Inside the Mind of Charles Swan III
(Dir. Roman Coppola)
The worst movie I saw all year was one of the least seen by the public. Roman Coppola's Charles Swan III is a sickening valentine to the most unpleasant feature of celebrity, Hollywood, and America -- hero worship directed at the undeserving and repugnant. Charlie Sheen is portrayed as a Tinseltown martyr and saint, a humble soul that is only giving America what it wants. Assigning blame to everyone but himself, Sheen gallivants around meticulously designed sets, preening and posturing like a coked up peacock while romancing future victims -- I mean, women and pondering the importance of his "art." Yes, the star of Men At Work and Shadow Conspiracy fancies himself a regular Fellini, and Coppola is too happy to help Sheen craft his own 8 1/2. The most appalling aspect of Charles Swan III is the involvement of American Zoetrope, the production company headed by Roman Coppola's dad, Francis. The genius behind The Conversation once dreamt of Zoetrope being a place for filmmakers to gather and create idiosyncratic works that could find no home in Hollywood. It now appears Zoetrope is dedicated to serving as a vanity press for Francis' increasingly irritating children. There is a reason no major studio would put money into Charles Swan III -- it stinks, and Francis Ford Coppola should have higher standards. Slime is slime, regardless of whether or not your kid created it. Review here.
Dubious Mention
- The Bling Ring- If you need any more proof that Papa Coppola is spoiling his children, look no further than The Bling Ring. Slow to the point of near paralysis, the film makes one point ("Rich kids are shallow") and drones on for nearly two hours. I still love Lost in Translation. I still admire The Virgin Suicides and Marie Antoinette, the latter because it wears its peculiarity on its sleeve. But with Somewhere and now The Bling Ring, I'm starting to think Coppola has said everything she has to say.
- Frances Ha- Remember that time you decided to take off from your minimum wage job -- because paying the rent is overrated -- and flew to Paris for shits and giggles? And you put all the cost on your credit cards? Yeah, me neither. The majority of the world wouldn't understand this experience. Oh, but leave it to the gilded independent film world to offer such horseshit up as an example of what people in their late twenties and early thirties deal with. Like Lena Dunham's oeuvre (see, a ten dollar word. I can fit in with the upper class), Frances Ha is little more than the petulant whining of trust fund bohemians. Feel sorry for them, dear reader. It's painful trying to decide just what kind of artist you are -- much more painful than having to work forty hours a week, only clear $24,000 a year, and still barely scrape enough green together to get your car fixed. Weep for the affluent.
- Getaway- Here's a big piece of shit. Ostensibly a high octane car chase movie, director Courtney Solomon shows he hasn't learned jack shit about moviemaking since his 2000 debut, Dungeons & Dragons. Ethan Hawke is becoming a Peter Fonda for the 21st century-- was once pretentious; now will take any B-movie paycheck that is offered. Apart from one good scene in Spring Breakers between her and James Franco, Selena Gomez continues to prove her greatest talent is being an Eva Angelina lookalike. Jon Voight shows up with one of his mangled accents. Cars crash. Gomez screams like a Muppet. The audience chews a hole inside their cheek. Eighty-nine minutes of hemorrhoidal pain.
- A Good Day to Die Hard - If you ever want to see an actor cease caring about the movie he's making, pop on A Good Day to Die Hard. At about the twenty minute mark, Willis' eyes lose whatever twinkle he managed to muster up for the project. Willis says he tired of making action movies, and with dross like Good Day, I don't blame him. He's too talented to spend his twilight years sleepwalking through inane explosion factories masquerading as film entertainment.
- Hell Baby - As funny as the Boston Marathon bombing. Actually, good jokes can come out of tragedy; they can help heal wounds. Hell Baby will never, ever be funny. Review here.
- I Spit on Your Grave 2 - Pathetic. Review here.
- Lovelace - I have this idea. I want to make a movie about Jeffrey Dahmer, only I don't want to show him killing anyone...or acknowledge he ate people...or that he was gay...or that he lived in Milwaukee...or that he was even male...in fact, I don't want to make a movie containing any facts about Dahmer's life at all. I just want to use his name and create a fictional account of his existence that is about as daring as an episode of NCIS. Why couldn't I make a bio-pic like that? Lovelace did. Review here.
- Red 2 - Look at the write-up for A Good Day to Die Hard. Bring it on down here.
- Texas Chainsaw -This opened at number one at the box office. Does anyone remember it? The movie passed like vapor through the audience and vanished from their consciousness before they hit the theater parking lot. Absolutely rotten. Review here.